Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Frankenstein Girls Seem Strangely Sexy....

Frankenstein (1931)
((Best scene ever!))

A little girl with a kitten cradled in the crook of her left arm walks toward the edge of a serene lake where she kneels to pick daisies. The camera pans left to reveal befuddled Frankie emerging from the bushes kinderapist-style. He looks to his left and spots the precious tender who cradles her cat as she collects her bouquet. The camera cuts to a medium closeup of the little girl who turns around to find flat-head Frankie staring at her as if she were an outer space specimen.

Her mouth slowly opens in a blooming flower of mounting horror/surprise as she simultaneously brings the bouquet to her face as if it were an unconscious defensive measure.

The camera jumps back to Frankenstein who abandons his lurk-perch in the foliage via five stiff steps where he stops to awkwardly gawk at his potential victim. The camera briefly returns to the wee one's frightened face leading us to anticipate the worst for her and the kitten she clutches, then returns to a full shot of the two of them staring at each other.

Due to a lack of itty-bitty-kitty-continuity, her feline friend magically manifests it's furry self several feet away before feeling the scene. Ignoring the phenomena completely, the little lass immediately rises to her feet then marches fearlessly towards the towering monster as if he were the friendly neighborhood ice cream man on Free Fudge Friday.

She comes to a halt at his feet, then looks up at his pallid face.“Who are you?” she demands as the camera switches to a closeup of the innocent little girl's smiling face. “I'm Maria!” she reveals beaming with excitement. The camera quickly jumps to an extreme closeup of Frankenstein's vapid face. He continues to stare at her with a short-bus expression*, 
his gaping maw offering nothing 
but three seconds of silence before the camera returns to Maria. Instead of waiting for the crickets to cease, she quickly blurts, “Will you play with me?”


*This “special-person” expression 
((Seen at 1:01 in video link)) was so completely 
unexpected and randomly hilarious,
 it made me laugh hard enough to 
narrowly avoid having 
to replace 
my tattered thong 
for fresh'ns!


Anyway...

If my colorful words 
failed to paint the scene in your little mind's eye,
 go viddy the actual scene in it's entirety.
 Besides, 
I know you are dying to know how their little encounter ends!  
I don't want to give the rest away, but I promise the ending alone has the power to force a ferocious frenzy of chuckles out of anyone's face!

 - It's a real rib-tickler! 




Monday, January 27, 2014

SEX WORLD SEX OFFENDER

CAUTION, THIS IS UNFINISHED, BUT IS A COMPLETE EXCERPT FROM MY JOURNAL FROM BACK IN THE DAY. IT MAKES ME LAUGH, I THOUGHT IT MIGHT MAKE YOU LAUGH TOO...

 5 / 7 / 09

“What?” Rob says to his roommate, Andrew.
 
“What?”
“Up your butt!”
“Thank you for ironing my pants, Rob!”
“No problem –you know I’m freaky like ‘dat!”
 
I giggle at their exchange.

*     *      *

After work yesterday I met my friend, Awesome Rob for drinks Downtown at (Musashi) the upscale sushi establishment located a couple floors below his office.
They have a valet service which I am not used to.
I drove my rusty, battered Buick Century in the garage thinking to myself that my car will most likely be the beater of the day for these young brown fellows.
“Careful,” I tell the poor red-vested sap who takes my keys, “This car is cherry!”
 
After getting a shit-load of free adult beverages from the bartenders Awesome Rob has befriended during his after work commute ritual, we wandered over to Sex World -the largest sex shop in the city.  Three full floors of circus-themed fun. [DESCRIBE SEX WORLD HERE!]Rob commented how different the daytime crowd is considering he usually frequents the establishment at suspect times under suspicious circumstances.  Or as he puts it:  "at suspicious times on suspect substances".)
Upon entering, we immediately went our separate ways. Twenty minutes went by and I found myself in the naughty bondage section located in the back of the store. I was busy staring at an overwhelming section of restrictive devices when I spotted a man in my peripherals who came over and stood next to me. My perv meter went off immediately. After a casual twenty or thirty seconds pass he initiates unwanted conversation, “You know I never understood this whole bondage thing….can you explain it to me?”
 
WHAT THE FUCK!? 

This was, of course, one of those special circumstances when a person or event catches you so off guard you become flustered and have a subsequent lack of all witty comebacks and/or general replies.


*      *      *

Later, while at a safe distance from the establishment [porn-emporium], Rob said,

Amy missing in the sex store….not good!  I searched for you and when I finally found you I could just tell automatically that you were in trouble –especially when you called me over by my name! It reminded me of a time when some deaf guy tried to talk to me.”

The woman who provided my pre-preschool day care was deaf and spoke funny. Needless to say, I learned how to properly impersonate deaf people at a very young age (Even though I knew it would buy me a first class ticket to straight to Hell). So in my best deaf voice I asked,

“Way new meang yew can underta’nt hih de’h voy?”

“It wasn’t so much that he was talking but pawing at my arm and gesturing and stuff.” He explained.

“What the fuck? First of all you don’t talk to people shopping in a sex store –especially when they are trying to purchase something kinky! And you sure as hell don’t ask questions about it! Ask the poor tattooed dude working behind the counter that’s what they’re there for! Or buy a fucking book!”

Anyway, I didn’t even know what to say to this pervert he caught me so off guard. I answered his Q in some stupid, vague way:

“I mean… is it a power issue or something?”

“For some people I guess… but some people like it both ways.”

“What do you mean…like guys and girls?” he pressed.

“No, I meant dom and sub.”

“So how do
you go about it?”

(What a vague fucking Q!)

“I don’t know…. It depends.” I said reluctantly, feeling slightly molested.

“On what?” he pried.

“Who you’re with and what they like.”

“Let’s say I was with you…”

('
NO!')

“I don’t know…,” I said distractedly as Rob passed by, “different people like different things, right Rob?!?” I said a little louder with my eyeballs open as wide as possible sending a secret distress signal that said,
‘HELP! PLEASE! I am being mentally molested by a desperate, stupid man (who vaguely resembles my personal hero Bill Hicks)’.

“Right” Rob said standing protectively by my side.

“Well,” the mental molester continues casually, (in a manner most people use to describe their enthusiasm for foosball.) “I like to see my girl get fucked by a guy.” He said leaving abruptly.

Rob and I look at each other completely dumbfounded, both of us thinking the same thing:
What the fuck are we even suppose to say to that?

Shortly after, I glanced down an isle and guess who? Scary leather jacket guy standing in the lube isle simultaneously grabbing his crotch and glaring at me. -A look that was quite possibly a failed attempt to appear seductive.

“Creepy!  Was he doing what I think he was doing?” I ask horrified.

“Mm-hmm.”

“Was that suppose to be directed at me!?”

“It appears to be so.”
 

CREEPY! What a fucking serial killer!” I said.

By now we were one isle over looking at the assorted selection of cock rings while dude was right behind us in another isle still watching me with the intensity of the rapist he probably is.

I’m scared, Rob!”

“Don’t be, if anything I’m more worried about Preppy Boy over there!”  Referring to a trim, tan, clean-cut man wearing an outfit that might suggest he had a history as a fraternity date rapist. ‘Could he be the “Cumlicker” Diablo Cody described in her book Candy Girl? -An encounter that frequently took place during her short employment in the Dollhouse?' I wondered.  He struck me as the type of fucked up individual who might possibly have an insatiable thirst  for licking dirty, congealed, disease-ridden semen from the floors of the jack-off booths.

I pondered this as I made my way to the counter to purchase my items. A sloppy man in a motorized wheelchair buzzed/puttered out of the dollhouse.

“Sir!” He slurred with his slant mouth.

((His slurred word sliding out a slanted, bearded mouth.))

“I’ll be with you in a second.” The poor asshole behind the counter replied.

“I need somebody to help me close the door in [jack off] booth number five!”

“I’ll be there in a minute; I’m the only one here.” Dude said more annoyed.


I shuddered. No amount of money could keep me tethered to a place that attracted and held several perverts and derelicts [un-captured criminals] at a time.

Maybe my job isn’t that bad I told myself.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Is She On Drugs....Again?

My sister called to wish me a happy birthday around noon today.  
It was nice of her to think of me on my special day...even if it isn't for another two months or so.

I wonder if she is on drugs... again?





Sunday, November 6, 2011

PIZZA = HAMMERHEAD FOOD!



Some creative individual has taken it upon themselves to spray-paint the word "Pizza" on various flat surfaces in the alley behind my residence.
The "i" is dotted with a little heart which makes this tag adorable.
It also leads me to believe the perpetrator does not belong to a gang.

However,
over the past few months there seems to be a group of rivals moving in on our perp's turf 
and I think they might be hungry.
...Or they just really enjoy pork and Popsicles.
It all started with "creme sikle!" which was pretty stupid until someone added "porkchopz" which I found rather amusing.  Then someone (else?) followed it up with "Tina Turner" which made me laugh really hard!
Someone apparently did not see the humor in this little graffiti war because they added their own message with a big red marker:
"You faggots"

My heart warmed as I turned down my alley and discovered Pizzaman was at it yet again!
It wasn't long after someone decided to add their own message 
-which makes me laugh my fucking ass off every time I drive by it!!!

WHAT THE FUCK IS HAMMERHEAD FOOD!?!
I may never know, but I likes it!


Saturday, November 5, 2011

Runaway Car Kills Brother, Sister and Dog

((SUNDAY OCTOBER 23rd, 2011))



In an attempt to accelerate our recuperation from Saturday night's out-of-state festivities, my brother and I decided to order some sub-par greasy Asian cuisine.  After failing to locate the number for an establishment that delivered, we settled for a suspect place nestled snugly in a crusty strip mall near his home-spot.  
Due to the close proximity of said establishment, 
we decided to hoof it and brought along his sweet pup, Chyna. 
One long block and a shortcut through the Ax-Man Surplus parking lot brought us to a busy stretch of road littered with a nauseating number of chain stores and every fast food hut imaginable.


I was busy analyzing/contemplating the huge Arby's sign 
(which always struck me as a monument for saggy beef-curtains... or... a hat?) 
across the busy intersection when I noticed movement in the Chipotle parking lot to our right.
It was a silver car backing into a parking spot...
...with no sign of slowing.
'Damn, G! Y'all better slow down - there's a curb there!'
I watched completely dumbfounded as the car crashed up and over the curb where it lodged itself in a short row of heroic shrubbery .  My brother jerked Chyna's leash narrowly avoiding doggy death and/or dismemberment.

"Whoa, somebody's drunk!"  I said half joking -until I realized the car was completely devoid of human life.


"Brady!  There's no driver!!!"  I said incredulously.


Apparently, some dread-locked dude was so incredibly super excited (or high) to put a fat burrito in his drippy mandibles, he completely forgot to put his emergency brake on. 
"Ohh, man!  I guess my emergency break must have busted."  the burrito-eater claimed.
(Little did he know: my brother, the talented mechanic, was hip to his jive and dismissed his excuse.)

"Do you see how my life goes? Chaos around every corner!" 

"Only you and me, Sis!"  he replied.

"Fuck all that!  My weirdness is just rubbing off on you because you are with me!"  I said laughing as our ridiculous quest commenced.*

And still I wonder:  

What the mighty FUCK is the Arby's sign suppose to be???
Is it a saggy 'giner, a tall cowboy hat or a sad sammich?









*After remembering the establishment was cash only, my bro suggested we cross 2 huge parking lots to use Target's ATM which, naturally, was out of order. We were informed that checks were accepted, but my delight turned into disappointment upon realizing I'd left mine in my car. We walked all the way back home (this time without incident) only to returned (via automobile) for our (cold) food. 










  

Saturday, March 5, 2011

The MANiCANT

There we were, my buddy D and I strolling through a newly developed shopping mecca on our way back from a movie.  
It took me several minutes, but I finally realized the non-unpleasant Reggae muzak I originally thought I was picking up from the metal plate in my skull I got back in 'Nam 
was coming at us from the fucking streetlights!
It was like constantly looking over your shoulder only to find
 Bob Marley trailing you in a vehicle when you are on foot.

It was already an eerie area, sparsely populated with empty shops which appear to be gift wrapped with a semi-realistic storefront -even depicting human figures passing by with shopping bags!*
GO CONSUMERS GO!!!

And that's when I spotted...
the Manicant. 



Man it can't stand up straight.



Man it looks retardish!


Man it can't be serious!



 And is that token black one dropping a deuce in the background?





My only question is WTF?




*The semi-realistic storefront was apparently so realistic, my imagination completely fabricated the human figures with shopping bags.

IT's A BoRGY!


 I set this little scene up on an office chair.
G.I. JaCKOFF was a little gift I confiscated from a couple naughty 12 year olds I came across on a railroad trestle when I was a punky teenager.















BARBIE BONDAGE








Wednesday, December 8, 2010

+ + ThE FReaKsHoW + +

THE FREAKSHOW
 Supposedly one of the munchkins from The Wizard Of Oz?

 









 Wish I would've had my exposure set right for this one because she was posing for me.

He liked me... a lot!

NOTE:  Singed eyelashes and brows.
An obvious job hazard.


 What side-show would be complete w/out a sword swallower?

My attention was diverted to the beautiful sunset outside the tent..

Possibly my favorite shot:  
I still don't know how it came out so clear considering I didn't use a tripod and my balance was probably sub-par from an afternoon of beer-guzzling.









I really wish Tammy Faye & Pa Tuckett hadn't infiltrated the HAWT Gravitron shot.

 T-Dizzle really liked his first ride on the Tilt-A-Whirl!
 He promised never to talk shit about such a "lame" ride ever again.  
Then demanded we ride it a few more times!
~ I HATE FLASH. ~
-_-


First ((and lamest)) attempt at shooting fireworks from the parking lot at the end of the night.